And spend every moment that I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars,
Confess all the faith that I had in you,
I had in you
Ask me anything
So many things could go wrong and the thought of embarrassment is enough to make me second doubt myself. Yet, there’s always that voice in the back of my head asking me, “what if I’m wrong?” This stupid voice is the only reason why I keep on hoping. I honestly have not felt so strongly about someone, EVER. Just the way she smiles, the way she laughs, her voice, the faces she makes. Everything is just so…right. I barely know this girl, yet I’m completely crazy about her, but I don’t really show it. Instead, I avoid eye contact, conversations, etc. I do all these stupid things that would show otherwise. I see her often nowadays and there has been so many opportunities for me to talk to her, yet every single one of them end up the same. It ends with me getting nervous, not knowing what to say, saying the wrong/stupid thing, and making things awkward. Then just saying bye and walking off full of regret. It’s been awhile since we’ve known each other now and I feel like, if I keep on waiting, I’ll miss out. So now, this voice in my head is even louder. It’s screaming “make a move. Do something!” I’m just so frustrated and angry with myself. Why can’t I just be normal around her? Why do I make things awkward? I want to change this between us. Even with this doubt in my head, I feel that I should do it, despite the risk, despite the people who I might hurt. I really need to be selfish and think about myself. Sitting around isn’t going to get me anywhere. I’ve waited long enough. Might as take a leap of faith. If things end badly, then, hey, at least I’ve tried. Better than nothing. It’s all easy when said, yet when the next opportunity presents itself, will the past just repeat itself? Only I have the ability to determine that…
College is that time in your life when you decide to pursue a degree in what you believe you’ll love to do or what will be making you bank in the future. Before I started, I was really sure that I wanted to be an Econ and Accounting major since it’s the “business major” at UCSB. I got into Sac State with a business administration major, but it was too close to home for me, so away I went. After a year and a summer worth of classes, I’ve accumulated a lot of doubt and anxiety. The major is competitive and hard to get into. I’m at risk for not even getting into my major at this point because I have 2 C’s. I feel like this is a critical point in my life where whatever I choose to do next will have a huge impact on my future. So my options are:
1. Continue with my major and work my ass off to get in. My dream is to be an entrepreneur, but is Economics/Accounting really for me? There isn’t any other thing for me at this school, but I don’t want to leave. So do I just stick it out and hope that I get in? If I fail, then 2 years will be down the tube and I will have to start on a whole new major.
2. Find a new major(I dont see myself majoring in anything else besides foreign languages, but I was considering it as a minor. And the lame thing is that UCSB doesnt have many Asian languages. SO…..?)
3. Transfer back to Sac State and pursue what I actually want, but the problem is I don’t want to leave UCSB b/c I love it here. And going home means losing my freedom…if only m parents would stop babying me. I’m like 20 now :/
I want to be rich. To have a great life, yeah, but not just that. I want to be rich because I want to use my money to help people. Sure, I do volunteer service in college. Call me cynical, but the things we seem to do have no real impact. Volunteering at a booth and registering people in for runs and such is not my idea of doing service. I want to make a real impact in this world. Yet, I can’t do anything significant without money. Now, I have never told anybody this, but I have an ultimate goal in life. I want to go back my hometown in Vietnam and improve the lives of the people there. I want to help them improve their lifestyle, their living conditions, their education so that they won’t be subjected to their own unusual circumstances. I want to teach them that they should strive for greater things in life and I want to give them a fair shot. I was a lucky kid. I got out of there. I was given a life in America. If not, well, let’s just say I’d be a married woodcutter by now. It bothers me all the time that I am able to live comfortably here, knowing that they struggle to make a living back there. I plan on building a school there so that I can give kids a free education and teach them English as well as a variety of classes. As cheesy as it sounds. I really hope that one day, my dream will come true.
In the future, I want to look back on this and be like “I made this decision, I stuck with it, and i have no regrets because, now, I am happy.”